A smallish pack of hounds, ignoring the possibility of a horrendous run, arrived at the Bank of Guam for another joint Kowpaddy-Maxcheesemo run.  Actually, I’m not sure if there has ever been one before, because last time Maxcheesemo had to leave island and Kowpaddy set with substitute Dogleg, but nevertheless he was mostly responsible for the 2-hour death march that resulted.  And everyone remembers what these two are capable of on an individual basis:  backlash from the 777 and that year’s following Halloween run still echo when one thinks of Kowpaddy; and Maxcheesemo’s slip & die down the face of Mt. Susu still gives me recurring nightmares of falling.

Such were the thoughts among the __ hounds that gathered prior to the announcement of the Box at 13 Fishermen Memorial on Beach Road.  Without a need to wait for West End Bender anymore, (because he was on the plane the fuck out of here), the pack was off in record time.  After waiting far too long for Kowpaddy to return with the ice, he ’splained the special instructions (yellow tape) and was off, immediately checking up the dirt road toward Hamilton’s, in plain view of the Box.  It was immediately obvious that we would be ending at the clearing above Claymore’s last apartment on the JG Sablan road, however, it was not immediately obvious just how many miles of Saipan we would have to cover to get there.  Kramden suggested just running to the on-home and waiting, but no one had the guts to risk it.  What a bunch of pussies the Saipan Hash has become!  No FNGs meant that we had plenty of time to take leaks, pick our noses, and look at Kinky Lay’s panties while she tied her shoes during the ten minute head start.

We all headed straight up towards Hamilton’s out of the box.  Not a single checking fooled us on the way up through Gualo Rai, although some were tempted to run to the on-home at the Honey Hotel intersection, but true trail headed straight up, and into the bamboo grove that marks the bottom of one of the many steep Gualo Rai ravines.  The trail headed up the left side of the ravine, getting steeper and steeper by the step.  Even though he was near his aerobic limit, Dogleg still had the breath to talk about various subjects on the way up the hill, which apparently annoyed Cheshire Pussy, because she BITCH BITCH BITCHED about it during religion.  We came across a low stone revetment, possibly part of an old road, and found an intact Japanese grenade at the top, circled in flour for our safety.  This gave Dogleg the chance toe yell “GRENADE!”, which he had always wanted to do, and which felt just as satisfying as he knew it would.  Trail continued to meander uphill, following the bases of small cliffs, past a Japanese stone emplacement, and crossing the ravine again, went upwards until we hit a flat area that a few recognized from one of Viener von Brown’s trails earlier this year.  Oly managed to get his sorry ass stung by a bee up here, which was fortunate for Dogleg, who took the warning and moved quickly past the nest.  This was also the only part of the trail where checkings fooled the FRBs, who went off in the wrong direction, following hash tradition of never checking downhill, because the true trail went down a steep crack in the cliff face.  Trail continued to meander downhill through similar terrain, passing a cave full of puppies, which seemed to excite Ladrone more than anything else in recent memory.  After a long downhill section, we came into a bamboo grove and suddenly realized that we were back where we started, which was a big surprise to Dogleg, who thought he was up by Heinz Hoffschneider’s house by now, and less of a surprise to Oly, who simply had no clue where he was.  However, at this point Oly had fallen behind, and only Dogleg and Cheshire Pussy remained at the front, where they ran into Little Bo Peep near the base of Claymore’s road.  A short uphill walk past several vicious dogs and we were at the on-home, just as we had suspected.  The remainder of the pack straggled in, working the dogs up to the point that their owner, a very old woman, had to come out and threaten them with a machete.  “You want some of this?”  she was heard to say to the dogs, pointing to the machete in her hand.

It began to get dark and everyone had come in except the new guy Allen, so a vehicle run was dispatched, which found him back at the Box.  This is also where Pucker Boy became injured, when he decided to fall out of the pickup and bounce on the coral.  Back at the on-home, the remainder of the pack prepared the grill for the hot dogs, and consumed the snacks, which included the triumphant return of Fruit & Nut Medley ™.  A brilliant fire was also started as a join effort between Kowpaddy, Oly, Cheshire Pussy, and Dogleg.

Kramden finally got religion started once the vehicles had returned.  First up were the hares, who claimed that they had worked harder than any of us could possibly believe on this trail.  Many courtesies followed, because it really was a good trail.  Several jokes were also told, and some were pretty good.  There was also some discussion about the 1000 and 999 runs, and the following week’s Christmas run, that Kramden had signed up for a year ago, and now is abandoning.  At some point the hot dogs were cooked, and everyone got one, only to find out that they were not hot dogs, but some sort of spicy sausage, that caused some really fiery crap the next day for some of us.  Eventually the vessel was retired, and everyone relaxed for a while and sat on the coolers and bullshitted.  About 20 minutes of this was enough, though, and the area was finally policed, Swing Low was sung, and the fire thoroughly extinguished with the coolers.  Many headed straight down the hill to Hamilton’s, but some of us just went home because we were tiiiiiireddddd………………… [whine!]

The Saipan Hash House Harriers convenes every Saturday at 4:00 p.m. (3:30 during "winter") at the Bank of Guam parking lot in Garapan    U.S. $10.00 (NON NEGOTIABLE) YOU PAY NOW!

MISMANAGEMENT
TYRANT/GM   Haj, F. Kramden, Sir!!
RA:    Dog Leg
AAAARA:   OPEN
FIRE MASTER  Yogi
HASH CASH   Ciega
TRAIL MASTER  Dog Leg
DLMM TECHNICIAN Dog Leg
HASH SCRIBE  Leave It’s ghost goat

REMEMBER, IF YOU GO BACK TO THE REAL WORLD AND THERE IS NO HASH, START ONE.  IT IS A GREAT WAY TO MEET PEOPLE, AND SOME ONE IS BOUND TO SHOW YOU THEIR TITS ONE OF THESE DAYS.

RECEDING HARE LINE...
997 12/27 Kramden & ?
998 1/3 Saint Peter
FM93 1/8 Maxcheesemo (Thursday full moon)
999 110 Buster Brown
1000 1/17 Dogleg & Chicken Little Dick
1001 1/24 Wet Dream
1002 1/31 Oly
FM94 2/5 OPEN (Thurs. or Fri. Full Moon)
1003 2/7 Splat
1004 2/14 OPEN

CONTACT CIEGA TO SIGN UP.  IT IS A HASHER’S DUTY TO BE A HARE.
BE A HARE, SET TRAIL FOR YOUR FRIENDS

FROM THE ARCHIVES

With Kramden wimping out of his run this week I thought it would be interesting to dig back through last year’s Hash Trashes, to the time when Leave It decide that he, too, did not want to set his trail:

   Run #926:  The “Over the Hill and Far Away” Run
Although it was a huge crowd there on Saturday, there were so many people who hardly ever run.  It was nice to see them, but I sure wish we could get more commitment.  Even this week we are not sure that we have someone to set the trail since Leave It has decided to Leave It hanging without letting anyone know if he is going to set trail or not.
Fortunately, there are people like Dog Leg and myself who can come up with some kind of trail at a moment’s notice (who still actually show up every week) in case he does not show up.  But I long for the good old days, when we knew if a certain hasher was going to set trail (Like Pinoccular) that we were in for a treat.  Or if another certain hasher was going to set trail (like Claymore) it was going to be a fuckiest run.  Now we do not even know if there will be hares.  Shame on those of you who are chosen, but refuse to do your duty.

   Run #927:  The “Leave It Should be Drawn and Quartered” Run
I could go on and on how disgusted I was with Leave It just Leaving It up to someone else to do the hash last week, without even trying really hard to find a replacement.  I hope that he takes his job at the government more seriously than his duties as a hasher.  HIM HIM, FUCK HIM!!!  May he burn in Hell with the hijackers from 9/11.
Speaking of money, there was quite a bit of talk and quite a bit of controversy over the raising of the hash fees to $10.  Let’s face it guys, where else can you get all the snacks you can it and beer and soft drinks you can drink (while supplies last), plus great live entertainment and a great run to boot, for only $7.00.  The last time I ran in Tokyo, it was Y1000 ($8.00) for the hash and Y2500 ($22.00) for my share of the dinner afterwards.  Hashing is not for everyone, but the next time you sit at Oleai Beach club for happy hour and buy 6 beers and 2 tacos, see how far your $7 can go.  It is time to stop depending on the elders (Ciega in particular) to be your meal ticket on the hash.

About 26 or so Hashers showed up at the Bank of Guam at 6:30 for a simultaneous Full Moon/Saturday Run.  The day was beautiful, but lucky enough for us, the rain started at about 4:00pm and ended at about 6:00, just enough rain to make sure that any trail would be wet and slippery.  The hares were Jordass and Beer head, and the attendance was high.  Was it because the hares are popular?  Was it because people like the full moon runs?  Was it because it was a Saturday Night and there was nothing else to do?  Who knows, but many people showed up.  There was even a guest appearance by Hajji Pee Wee.

The hashers left the bank and headed for the Grotto.  Since there is such a high crime rate there, a new gray haired security guard was hired to watch the cars as the hashers ran the trail.  He looked incredibly similar to the man that runs the swim team over there at the Marpi Pool.  They must have paid him well, because he seemed happy to guard our cars.  But I’m not sure why they hired such an old and feeble guy.  Would he be a match for some of these hoodlums on island?  He must be mean and scary or they wouldn’t have hired him to be a guard.

The hares prepared the MACHO beer truck for their run, told us to follow orange toilet paper, and then warned us about the tataomonos, or Beerhead might have actually put a tataomono curse on us: I’m not sure, but they sure did talk a lot.  Finally, they left into the night and jumped into the MACHO beer truck.

The new full moon tyrant, Red (or green because he’s color blind) Sasquatch tried out his new duties.  Since there were FNG’s he got to say all the “tyrant stuff” about explaining the markings.  After the FNG’s were good and confused, time was up, and we acted like babies and “headed out” on the trail.

The trail went out of the Grotto and all of the hares followed a false trail toward Cow town.  But Crackerjackoneword followed the true trail.  Most people think she is an airhead, but she is actually pretty brainy once you get to know her.  Anyway, she was the FIRST one on the true trail.  Did I say that already?  The trail went down the road, and then turned left toward Bird Island.  Next, it made a right turn into the boonies.  The FRB’s were first, of course, and then there were some people bottlenecked in the middle.  This is where Dogleg was sighted as he “bullied” his way to the front of this pack and started to call Maxcheezmo names.  This was very undeserving on Maxcheezmo’s part.  What did “Cheese Boy” ever do to the “Leg of the Dog”?  We aren’t sure, but we just think that Dog Leg was jealous of the FRBs because he wasn’t up there with them, so he had to bully others and resort to name calling to make himself feel better.  The trail continued on through the boonies on the old Japanese Railroad Trail and finally ended at Bird Island Lookout.

Jordass made everyone pumpkin cookies and Weiner von Brown made weiners to eat at Religion; however, one of them must have put some sort of hallucinogenic inside the food because Olly went up to speak and told us a strange story about the Hashers being abducted by aliens and about them stealing Mr. Happy Pockets “turning light-up toy.”  I didn’t know that toy gave other people those horrible dreams as well.  Maybe it’s all a ploy by Mr. Happy Pockets.  He’s trying to take over and control us all.  Little do we know the damage he is doing to our brains.  Soon we will all be worshipping MHP and laughing at his dumb jokes.  We must be strong and resist!

Religion had a lot going on.  Dog Leg and Red/Green Sasquatch shared Tyrant/R.A. responsibilities while they harassed the FNG’s and repeatedly forgot ALL of their names.  Then there was the "naming" toward the end of religion.  "One Glove No Love" and "Shit Stain" are 2 new additions to the list of hash names.  Finally, they made a teenager pour beer on his body.  Luckily they aren’t teachers in a school or they really WOULD do some damage!  (not REAL teachers anyway.  Red Sasquatch doesn't really count, does he?)

Behind the scenes with Dirty Yellow Balls: DYB was seen fondling one of the FNGs on the sidelines.  Maybe he was trying to get his Dirty Yellow Balls cleaned.  (I hope she has A LOT of soap).

Religion lasted until about 10:30pm, the vessel was retired, Swing Low was swung, and the hashers sadly departed and went their separate ways.  Some went to the GIG and danced to the tunes of the touring D.J.  He must have been pretty hard up to put Saipan on his tour list.  Some hashers went to Hamilton’s and tried on funny hats, got ON-LINE and played better music than the GIG on the NEW and IMPROVED Jukebox.  Hamilton’s is really getting with the times now.

It was nice to have 4 FNGs on the run.  It’s always nice to see new people.  Also, it’s really great that there are some new people who have recently started running the HASH and they seem to be coming back:  Rough Rider, Richard, Spank the Stick Up My Ass, and Shit stain, keep coming to the HASH!  It makes hashing more fun!

[Ed.:  La la la la la……]

The Saipan Hash House Harriers convenes every Saturday at 4:00 p.m. (3:30 during "winter") at the Bank of Guam parking lot in Garapan    U.S. $10.00 (NON NEGOTIABLE)

MISMANAGEMENT
TYRANT/GM                          Haj, F. Kramden, Sir!!
RA:                                          Dog Leg
AAAARA:                               West End Bender
FIRE MASTER                      Yogi
HASH CASH                         Ciega
TRAIL MASTER                    Dog Leg
DLMM TECHNICIAN            Dog Leg
HASH SCRIBE                     Crackerjack926words
REMEMBER, IF YOU GO BACK TO THE REAL WORLD AND THERE IS NO HASH, START ONE.  IT IS A GREAT WAY TO MEET PEOPLE, AND SOME ONE IS BOUND TO SHOW YOU THEIR TITS ONE OF THESE DAYS.

RECEDING HARE LINE...
992       11/22    West End Bender & Dogleg
993       11/29    Red Sasquatch
994       12/6      Stanley’s Bitch
FM92   12/8     Oly (Monday full moon)
995       12/13    Maxcheesemo
996       12/20    Kramden (Xmas run)OPEN
997       12/27    OPEN
998       1/3        Peter
FM93   1/8       OPEN (Thursday full moon)
999      110      Buster Brown
1000    1/17     Dogleg & Chicken Little Dick
CONTACT CIEGA TO SIGN UP.  IT IS A HASHER’S DUTY TO BE A HARE.
BE A HARE, SET TRAIL FOR YOUR FRIENDS

REBUTTHOLE:

I can’t believe you whiners.  If you had been there behind Max Cheese Boy while he used his micro-watt headlamp (attached to his micro-watt head) to search for the ribbon right in front of his fucking face, YOU TOO would have told him to “move his big ass!”  And please note that I did not say he had a fat ass, or a flabby or otherwise misshapen ass as many tried to suggest later at religion – simply a BIG ass, which, in relation to the narrowness of the trail, and the huge fucking shadow it cast, was indeed a big ass in my way.

And then there’s “No Glove No Love’s” glove.  Everyone passed that glove by on trail without picking it up, but who gets blamed for being the asshole?  ME!  What the fuck?  Is this pick on Dogleg month?  I liked it a whole lot better when it was pick on Kramden month, or pick on Ciega night.

Well, next month is the start of the new, 100% independent Full Moon Hash – with our own coolers, book, and Hash Cash.  Even our own vessel and icons.  For now we plan to keep it at $10, but in the future we might consider raising the price to cover cigars, beef jerky, and blow jobs (we can consider lowering the cost for the women if that one works out).  So please be sure and run the December Full Moon Run (Monday December 8), and help us pay off our huge investment.

-Dogleg